I still miss my abusive ex / Why do I still miss your abusive partner?

“Why do I still miss my abusive partner” is one of the questions I get asked so many times.

The reason why many still miss their abusive partner is due to the way they associate love with pain, abuse and toxic relationships.

In this video, I share why you still my your abusive parter and what you need to do to stop missing your abusive partner and toxic relationship

Video Transcription

Lani:

Why do I still miss my abusive ex? I get this question so much, so we decided to do a YouTube video on it. Before we get started, hit the subscribe button, hit the bell icon, and hit the like button is it helps so much. And we’re here to spread love baby. We’re here to be the change that we want to see. So why do I miss my abusive ex? I’ve lived this, I experienced this. I’ve shared with you before that my last relationship was extremely abusive and I just actually had a beautiful woman reach out, who’s not even in my coaching program. And she goes “after watching your workshop”, which I’ll explain the details at the end, “I had the courage to finally leave my abusive partner”. And that just lights everything up inside. And she says, “whenever I feel like I’m not good enough, or when I struggle and think about I’m alone and I’m not enough, I do exactly what you said”.

Lani:
So I wanted to share this with you because this creates this weird guilt and we can never get love from guilt, ever. It’s not going to happen. Everything that I stand for, every philosophy is, we have to get to the root of it. This doesn’t mean that we have no emotions, and we don’t get angry, and we don’t get sad, and we don’t miss somebody. But while we’re still operating on that fear, in that survival mode, I’m not enough. And while we’re obsessed with the external and I need you to tell me I’m good enough, we’re never getting past the problem. So then if you do get enough courage to leave your abusive partner, then the next one, it’s the same story. It’s the same exact record playing.

Lani:
What finally got me to make the change was literally facing death. So why do I miss my abusive partner? Well, the first, the main reason, the first part of this, the biggest reason is… Everything that you’re feeding off, you have been lied to. You have a program that says pain is love. So as human beings, we seek out love. We want this love. But if you’re programming, because under the age of seven, and because it’s totally acceptable in society for us to hate and spread anger and pain, and then be like, that’s love what’s your problem? Why are you taking it personally? That’s love. So we have these programmings and especially under the age of seven, we’re downloaded these subconscious beliefs and, oh, this is what I’m worthy of.

Lani:
So if you felt unloved, unsafe, alone, one of parents, or both of your parents that you really loved, you felt like, I’m not enough. I’m not loved. Then we have this connection to love. So we seek it out over and over. So of course, we’re going to miss our abusive ex if our subconscious brain is going, that’s love, love, love, love. And, as humans were created to want this connection. We weren’t created to do this alone. We were created to want this connection. So we want love, but it’s as simple as this, our subconscious programming is saying love is abuse. So, that’s what it is. That’s all that you deserve.

Lani:
And we start running with all these lies in our mind. Maybe it was my fault. Oh, they’ll change. They said sorry. And we have only two options in ego. We have the option of staying with an abusive partner, which is horrifying. And then we have the option of being alone, which our ego tells us when we have no self worth or no self love that, to me being alone was worse than death. I was like, okay, well I had two options and they were both horrifying, be abused or death be alone. So it was a lose, lose situation. So when we’re operating in survival mode from this place of fear, and I’m not enough, and this is all that I deserve, this is all I can get. When it’s so mind blowing, so a woman will sort of like, but he said… I’m like, yeah, my partner word for word said the same thing. And every single other woman that I know that has been in abusive relationships has heard the same exact thing.

Lani:
That’s why I have been able to take the emotion out of it and say, why did this happen to me? Why did they say this to me? It’s like, am I going to argue with the sky being blue? When I have no self worth, there’s only one way for a relationship to be. There’s not a million choices. There’s not infinite possibilities. We only get infinite possibilities and love when we actually connect to our higher power, when we drop in, and when we let the love come into our heart. When we are in survival mode. And when we are running on the program that pain equals love. Every single woman that comes into my purpose program, I’ve never met a woman… And I know this because this was me. They’re so much more comfortable talking about it.

Lani:
And I want you to do a check in with yourself. I want you to start observing yourself and see, because I know that if you’re missing your abusive ex, that that’s because you have a belief that abuse and trauma and pain is love. There’s no way. I don’t miss… If somebody hits me in the face with a fucking golf club and breaks my teeth out, and then the next day goes, do you miss that? I would say absolutely fucking not I don’t miss that. But spiritually, when I had no self worth, when I thought that pain was love, I was spiritually getting hit in the face with the golf club and getting my teeth knocked out and then saying, yes, I miss it. yes, I miss it.

Lani:
It is so mind blowing. Once you actually realize that we stop. There’s no way in a million years ever. It’s impossible. Nobody has this power for us to control or change the external, or change a partner, or control a partner. It’s impossible. So all of our energy, we’re fighting the wrong fight, is going into, but them, but then, but him, but her… And we’re just completely focused on the part of the equation that we cannot control. So to me, I don’t miss abuse. I don’t miss pain. I don’t miss abusive partners. I don’t miss running around the streets with no shoes and no money and being afraid for my life. I don’t miss that. That’s because I know that love is love. And I know that that was pain. And I don’t blame anybody because nobody held a gun to my head. I walked into that relationship willingly. Nobody held a gun to my head. I walked in to that marriage. I walked down the aisle out of my own free will.

Lani:
So this is not, why did you do this to me? Why did you ruin my life? We never get anywhere by pointing the fingers elsewhere. The change has to come in. There’s no other way to make this change and break the cycle because you can get an apology from your abusive ex. And if you don’t make the change and learn how to love yourself and shift inside and reprogram your mind from abuse is love, to love is love, then you will have the same experience, guarantee it, in your next relationship. And it will be worse because when we’re not growing, we’re dying. Either we have positive momentum or we have negative momentum. So getting back to that question that I asked, I want to know, and I want you to be aware of, because I know that if you’re missing your abusive ex, that you are running on a pain program of abuse is pain.

Lani:
And specifically, I’m talking about abusive partners because I’ve gotten this question a lot in the last week. But this is the same reason why you’d be sick all the time. This is the same reason why you would have any negative effects or feelings in your mind, because that is your belief. Why am I poor? Oh, because if I was rich, I would be selfish and a horrible person. I wouldn’t be able to see my kids. Nobody wants to be a horrible person. Okay. So why do I miss my abusive ex? Because if I have a partner, it means I’m good enough. Nobody wants to not be good enough. So, if our only two options in our mind are having a partner means I’m good enough. And being alone means I’m not, then obviously, what do you think? Which one we’re going to choose?

Lani:
So totally being aware of, like I was saying, the women that come into my purpose program are so much more comfortable talking about the misery and the pain and all the things that they can’t control and all the things that they can’t change. And they are so much happier when they come in. I use the word happy, not as a true happiness to tell me about all of the horrible things that their ex abusive partner has done. And then when I asked them to… I was like, “okay, well that’s not love. So come to a moment where you feel loved”. They tell me, “I don’t know”. And my oldest client’s 55, I don’t know. But I’m like, “you can think of a million moments when you felt miserable” a million moments. I’m like, “can you change those moments?”

Lani:
They’re like, “no”. I’m like, “okay”. So let’s just focus on something we love and they feel so uncomfortable talking about something positive that they can control, that they love that they first say, I don’t know. And I get it the first time I tried to be positive. I was like, “I never had any good memories”. No poor me. I just fully was like in denial about all the beautiful memories I had and all the people in my life that did love me. I was so focused on the people that didn’t and the experiences that were horrifying. And even then, because obviously you come in and you do the work and I’m getting you there. So we’re cracking that ego. We’re cracking the “I don’t have any loving memories”.

Lani:
And the first moment they go to a memory that was unconditional love, they feel so uncomfortable that their face looks like they’re being hurt. But when they’re talking about something that they hate, oh, they are so happy to talk. And I’m just like, dude, you have some wires crossed. We have some reprogramming to do because you’re so much happier and you can easily talk about everything that you hate and all the things you can’t control. But as soon as we try and switch that, you don’t want to do that. It’s like, no, I don’t want to feel good. No, I don’t want to. So I would like to ask you that question. Do you feel more comfortable talking about things that you can’t control and can’t change in the past and all the horrible things that happen? Or do you feel more comfortable focusing? Like we walk in a room it’s as simple as glass half empty or glass full.

Lani:
I have a choice. So I always choose to focus on something that energizes me. Because I know when I have energy, I can make a change. I can not make a change without energy. And if I feel powerless, then I have no energy and I can’t make a change. So to answer the question in the most basic form, why do I miss my abusive ex? It’s because you have a broken belief that trauma and abuse equals love. And until you change that belief, not until men change. Not, Oh, the world’s going to, world’s not going to change. Men aren’t going to change. You change that belief. I will bet my life right now that I will never be in an abusive relationship again. That’s not because men change or because the world changed.

Lani:
That is because I changed because I reprogrammed my mind. I threw that broken belief out the window, that trauma and abuse is love. I created a new belief through repetition and exactly what I teach my women, how to do. That love is love. And I strengthen it every day because it’s a muscle and it is a skill. And I know that I’ve practiced a lot of things and gotten really fucking great at them. So this is what I’m obsessed with. I’m obsessed with love. I am obsessed with my neurons of love and my brain getting stronger and more powerful and more mind blowing. This is what I obsess over. So if you want to stop missing abusive moments, then you must heal yourself and learn self-love and raise your standards and change your belief from, I deserve abuse, to I am a fucking queen and I deserve love, and I’m only available for love. And I will only accept love because a queen does not miss abuse.

Lani:
That is not what a queen does. A queen does not withhold love from herself, because that is not what a queen does. If you need more and you’re ready to go deeper because I go really deep into this in my free online workshops, then go to the link in the description and sign up for that now. I know that you can change because I did, and I believe in you. But you have to be ready to let go of that belief. If you don’t want to let go of that, I can’t help you. But if you’re ready to let go of that and really embody the queen energy and have it all, what is your birthright, then you must come. Don’t forget to subscribe. Hit the bell icon, hit the like button that helps so much. And please share this with a woman that you know needs to hear this. Thanks for listening.