Video Transcription

Lani:

Hello. In this video, I’m going to talk about how to overcome the fear of saying the wrong thing. Before we get started, hit the subscribe button, hit the bell icon, and like this video, because it helps more than you could ever know, and our vision is helping a million women feel empowered by the end of this year, because a disempowered woman helps no one and an empowered woman can change the world, literally. I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it, I feel it, and I’m still living it every day. So the reason I just got goosebumps, I am recording this video on how to overcome your fear of saying the wrong thing, and specifically, right now we understand that anti-racism is what we need to do, because what we’ve been doing hasn’t been working, and so I have 300 women that are in my program now and the biggest thing that came up … and I felt this fear first. So … goosebumps again … as soon as I knew that as a leader … and I’ve taken this vow seriously and I’ve made a promise. Everything that I have to do starts inside.

Lani:
My culture is being kind and growing and learning and taking responsibility for when I fuck up and when I’m ignorant and when I’m lying to myself and where I have weaknesses. I have to do that within myself first. I can’t just go around, that’s like me saying, “Oh, I’m 500 pounds overweight and I’m an expert on intuitive eating.” That doesn’t make sense. Or that’s like me saying, “Hey, here is how to attract your soulmate and how to be in an incredibly conscious relationship,” while I’m in an abusive relationship. It doesn’t make sense. So I understood this from the very beginning, and not because I made this up, because I have a lot of amazing mentors and teachers. My partner … I talked about this on my podcast a couple Mondays ago. If you haven’t found me on my podcast, it’s called I Am Badass, and the reason why I started to make this change and started to say things, even when I was afraid, starting to speak up, even though I was afraid I was going to say the wrong thing, one of the greatest catalysts for that was my partner, and when we met, I was teaching yoga and not making it. I fled Australia, left this abusive marriage, and lied to everybody, because for me the wrong thing was being seen as not perfect or an idiot or not good enough.

Lani:
So I just didn’t have any tools or skills and I was so desperate for others delight me, and all of my self worth was … I had like 13,000 followers, 12,000, 10,000, 8,000 … God only knows. This was two years ago, and that was my lifeline to feeling confident for a second. It wasn’t confidence cause it wasn’t mine, but it was this external hit of, “These people approve of me,” and so I felt like if I said, if I admitted anything, if I admitted to being a yoga teacher and a meditation teacher who was in an abusive marriage and had to flee, then I would be a failure and I would be an idiot and nobody would want to listen to me. So I didn’t say anything. I posted up these photos. I would literally take hours to get the perfect yoga position in a G-string to where I had no cheese and this perfect angle to where I looked like … I just tried to make everything perfect. That’s one of the broken beliefs that I grew up with.

Lani:
So I’ve been in this situation many times, feeling like if I say this thing … and I’m not comparing that to racism because it’s not the same, but what I am explaining is that I had a deep fear of being rejected. So that stopped me from being able to take feedback, to take rejection and to accept I’m not perfect. I don’t know everything. So I’m going to try, and sometimes I’m going to fall on my ass, and sometimes my mentors and my teachers and people that I love are going to come back and say, “Hey, say it this way next time,” or, “That’s not a hundred,” or, “I don’t agree with you,” or whatever. I wasn’t in a situation to do that because I had no confidence. I had no self love. I had no conviction. I had no gusto and I thought it was going to die if anybody ever disagreed with me or knew the truth that I was this imperfect human who fucked up and made some serious mistakes.

Lani:
So my partner tells me … we meet, I’ve decided I’m not going to be in abusive relationships anymore, I did some manifesting inner work where I only focused on the partner I wanted and I actually believed in my heart and soul that it was already with somebody. So I had done these things kind of accidentally. You’re pulling from teachers that I had read when I was all fucked up, but just kind of having this little bit of awareness like, “Dude, you got to do something different. What you’re doing isn’t working.” So we launch … I’m not making it financially. I’m about to message my dad. I’m like, “Dude, do I have to go back to America?” I’m in Bali at this time and I can’t even pay my rent and I was 36 and I was like, “This is so fucked up. I’m literally a failure. I can’t even pay my rent. Don’t even talk …” I had dreams of helping children all over the world and I couldn’t even help myself. I was just in a state of scarcity and survival and it was all about me, and it’s exhausting.

Lani:
I was bummed, I was miserable. I was depressed, I was embarrassed, I felt like a failure, and I was bummed. So those words ring to me all the time, and I talk to so many of my clients about this, because I was so scared to say the wrong thing. I had lied. I had blatantly lied when people asked me, “What up with your husband? What’s up with your partner?” I blatantly lied and didn’t tell the truth that I fled an abusive marriage and that I walked into it without a gun to my head or without being handcuffed. I actually woke up consciously, put makeup on, put my dress on, and went, and I was so … my fear, it was the deep rooted fear. I was telling myself, “Oh, but why do I have to think about that, because I’m not a victim?” And, “Why do I have to talk about that, because it’s over and done?” And so I was telling myself these things like, “Oh, everybody doesn’t need to know your business,” and I do believe that. I don’t go out of my way and share all of my energy and do these YouTube videos and share energy for free or podcasts or posts … I’m not doing that so people message me and say, “Oh, you’re so great,” because the truth is I don’t get all those messages.

Lani:
I am really proud of my network and I do think that if you’re here and listening and watching it’s because you do have this desire to grow and be better and understand that if you can’t help yourself and you have all these dreams of like, “Oh, I want to make an impact and change the world and help humans that are suffering and help humans that are in situations that they can’t control.” They didn’t wake up like I did and put their dress on and walk in, or people who did that and then got out and now are like, “What now? What the fuck?” All I know is these horrible abuses that I learned from my mom. I don’t know these positive changes. I didn’t know that I could be happy and that I was worthy of unconditional love. So it’s helping people that are ready to be empowered or helping people that don’t have a voice. I know that if you’re listening and you’re hear in this network, it’s because you want to make a change. It’s because you don’t want to get through your whole life and go, “Oh, well I couldn’t even take care of myself, so I really fucked that one up. I wasn’t able to help anybody else.”

Lani:
That was one of the clinchers for me. That’s one of the reasons why when I was suicidal, I decided that I had to do something to make a change. So I was really scared of that and I understand what that feels like, because I was really scared, again, just to … I mean this is the conversation I’ve been having with my clients all across the board, but I have a first year program called The Purpose Program and those women come in because they can’t even take care of themselves. It is no confidence, no conviction, self-harming, sickness in the body, unhealthy, toxic relationships, children being hurt, not living their purpose, not living up to their full potential. So I call it their own temple. Their own garden is a disaster. They can’t even take care of themselves, so it’s impossible. If your own garden is dead and desolate, you can’t be like, “Oh Hey, I’m going to help feed the neighborhood with all this abundance in my garden.” So whether that’s financially, energetically, or actually with food, you can’t do that if you don’t have any and you don’t have enough for yourself, you can’t do that. It’s physically impossible.

Lani:
If you don’t have enough money for yourself … when I didn’t have enough money to pay my rent, I was not donating. It was impossible. I was telling people, “Oh yeah, here’s my dreams,” but I wasn’t doing shit about it and I didn’t have energy to volunteer or actually share free tools that help people because I was just super overwhelmed, wasn’t making it myself. I was like, “I don’t even have enough energy for myself during the day,” so it was impossible for me to share. So that’s the first tier, and then the second tier program is my Love Program, and this is where women who are leaders are actually making an impact in the world. So I’ve taught them how to take care of their own garden. Now their own garden’s healthy. Now it’s bearing all these beautiful fruits and flowers. They’ve planted the seed. They’ve watered it. They’ve done the work. They’ve taken rejection. They’ve built their conviction and their strength and their self worth and their love and their energy and their bank account, and now they’re actually taking it out into the world.

Lani:
So now … because it’s real safe in our little bubble in our Purpose Program. We know that my standards are super high, so I have some rules, and this is the same all across the board. So the reason I’m telling you this story, because in your life, if you’re afraid to say the wrong thing to your partner or your child, or if you have come into a conversation where you feel this heavy, gnarly, dark energy, and you’re like, “I have to say something. This is not okay. I know that this is not true. This is not love.” Whether you’re there or you are a leader and an entrepreneur and you have a team or you just realize that not being racist or not saying anything mean isn’t good enough and that we actually have to take action and change something to get a different result, it’s the same. I don’t have different standards. I’m not like, “Oh, I have one standard for my Purpose Program and so we can settle and it’s fine if we’re attacking others and it’s totally okay if we’re saying stuff that’s not moving the conversation forward or creating change what we’re dragging down.” I don’t have separate rules.

Lani:
Obviously the frequency and what we’re able to do once we come from the Purpose Program into the Love and we actually have abundance of energy, we can make a bigger impact. The more money you have, the more you can donate. It’s a great way to make an impact. The more energy you have, the more you can support and share and message and have this conviction and peacefully protest and then go help charities. You can’t do that if you don’t have enough energy. So it works across the board, but I don’t have different … I’m not like, “Oh, you can be an asshole and come in and be super mean and abusive to everybody in Purpose, but you can’t do that in Love, and one of my friends can do that to me, but this …” I don’t have different rules, and like, “Oh, Facebook is different than Instagram and YouTube.” It’s like, dude, there’s a consistency. I hold myself very accountable and that’s not because I’m perfect. That’s because I’ve failed a lot and I’ve had to take rejections and I’ve had to take feedback and I have … when we’re vulnerable, it’s impossible … no human is perfect anyway.

Lani:
So if we’re afraid to say the wrong thing, we have this idea that we have to be perfect. That’s impossible anyway, but if we’re vulnerable, it’s like we … in order to be vulnerable, we have to be willing to accept the fact that we’re not perfect, that not everybody is going to like us and that we’re going to make mistakes, and as we get into the Love program and I have these women that are leaders and making an impact in the world, this is where we really do a lot of the deep work, because it’s not inspiring to be on the surface and act like your life is perfect and, “Oh yeah, I agree with everybody. Yeah.” It’s like a chameleon like, “Oh yeah, you’re right. So you like me. Oh yeah, you’re right. So … Oh yeah. I hate them. So you like me.” That’s not inspiring and that’s not what a queen does. A queen says, “No.” A queen has boundaries. A queen connects to unconditional love and takes feedback and takes these rejections and gut punches and is willing to show up, and so if we make mistakes, we will learn from them and we will take responsibility from them.

Lani:
So everybody through all my programs … and I felt the same way too. I don’t like wake up and go, “Oh, everybody’s going to love my YouTube video and I’m going to get all positive messages.” I’ve gotten hate messages from yoga teachers before, all the time. This is why I talk heaps about being spiritual isn’t just doing one post on Instagram and saying a Buddha quote. If you’re sending hate emails to people because you don’t feel like you’re good enough when nobody is looking, but you’re part of the problem, not the solution, because are we making a change? I ask myself these questions. These are great questions and I want you to know in the comments which one resonates most with you, but in order to help us break through that fear of saying the wrong thing, I first always come into my heart. I get out of my head, I come into my body, and I come into my heart, because I don’t know everything and I’m not perfect, but I sure as shit know what it’s like to be embodied, to come from heart, to treat people the way that I want to be treated, to understand that if somebody just wants to argue and fight and is not interested in how to make a change and a solution that me yelling or getting the last word isn’t helping anybody. It’s just helping my ego.

Lani:
So the first way to get over the fear of saying the wrong thing is get into your heart, get into your body, get out of your head, in body come into heart, and connect to your higher power. So for me, that process is all one, and the second thing is this question. So I ask myself, am I part of the solution? And so write that one down. Am I being part of the solution right now? Because the ego is always going to want to win no matter what. The ego plays dirty. The ego is going to bring shit up that’s not important. The ego is going to focus on things that we can’t control and can’t change. The ego’s going to make it personal and about me and, “Why are you doing this to me?” And the ego’s not looking for a solution, because the ego only feeds off of dog shit, and so I ask myself, “Am I being part of the solution or did they make it about me? Do I just want to win? Am I acting like this is personal?” Because if I’m super angry and I’m like, “Why did you do this to me?” Then I cannot ever share positive energy with my clients or I can’t share it with with my beautiful black brothers and sisters. I can’t share it with my family. I can’t share it with my partner. It’s all about me.

Lani:
One of the simplest ways they can describe this is you’re going for a walk. Everyone’s gone for a walk. So I actually consciously choose to be super present on my walk, to be in my heart center, and I actually choose to … it’s an energy. So you got to come to my workshop. I’ll explain about that at the end or do some of my free meditations, but I actually share this mother earth energy, this unconditional love energy from source that I feel in my heart. I actually share that to every person that I walked by, and thinking about the old me, when I used to go for walks, I’d be so in my head, I wouldn’t even remember. I was like, “Oh shit. I don’t even … where did the last 30 minutes go?” I was just like, “Ah,” so I didn’t make eye contact with anybody. I didn’t notice any of the trees. I didn’t even feel my heart in my own body, so it was impossible for me to be in my heart and then beam this out. So for me, I’m boiling it down to the simplicity of when I … the old Lani used to get pissed about something and I’d be like, “I can’t,” and I’d replay it and I’d be like, “I can’t leave this to me.”

Lani:
Well that was being part of the problem, because now it’s not that I don’t have an ego and I don’t take something personal. My goal is to get through the day without an ego trigger, but I get it and then I’m like, “Okay, yeah. So it’s not about you, because that’s not being part of the solution.” So come into your body, come into your heart, and then I know because I can measurably, tangibly see the positive effect. I can actually feel the energy shared with people that I don’t know that I walk by and make eye contact with. I can actually feel their love. I just got goosebumps. All the time, I can feel love without talking to anybody, without touching them. We’re obviously social distancing. It’s people that I don’t know that I’m walking by. I can actually tangibly … and then I get this beautiful energy surge through me, goosebumps like I’m getting now. So I’m like, “Oh yeah, I felt that,” and then I don’t get home like, “Oh, I can’t do anything and I’m saying the wrong thing.” I’m like, “My ass is out there trying,” and not trying in the sense of, “Oh, I’m trying to do something nice but all he did was sit on the couch all day.”

Lani:
I’m doing my freaking best so at the end of the day, I don’t feel like a lazy, selfish asshole. I’m like, “You did this. Yes, good. You showed up,” and then I take my feedback and see how I can do it better. So am I being part of the solution? That’s a beautiful question to ask, and the last question I’m going to give you to break through that fear of saying the wrong thing is what am … so basically what goodness is coming out of this situation? And so here’s where, again, the ego wants to come in and make it all about that. So I’ll just say for instance, an abusive relationship, it’s so painful and scary. I’ve left one and it was so painful and so scary because I was like, “I’m going to be alone. If he loved me more, then he would change and so I’m obviously not good enough.” So I was making it about me like, “Oh, he doesn’t love me enough so he would change, and now I’m going to be alone, and now I have to start over. Now I’m old and now I don’t have anything,” and so I’m not saying that it’s not scary, but if we use these questions … it was so hard and so scary, but the goodness that was coming out of that was I was saving myself in taking responsibility.

Lani:
So what I’m getting at is, one of the bullshit things that society tells us … and my women get so blown away when they’re like, “Oh my gosh, a leader has high standards? A woman?” Because we’ve been brainwashed to think that it’s rude to not let somebody else shit on us. One of the number one things I said was like, “Do you guys think that it’s …” when women come in … “Do you think that it’s selfish for you to say no?” And they’re like, “Yeah.” I had that same programming. “If my siblings wanted money and I knew they were going to use it for drugs, I’d feel so guilty if I didn’t help them because …” No. Helping them would be doing the really uncomfortable thing and being like, “I’m not going to support you while you do drugs. I’m not going to give you money while you do drugs. I’m totally available for you when you are ready to make changes and heal. I’m here to support you. I love you.” So that’s uncomfortable, and there’s goodness coming out of that. So my point that I’m getting at is we do everything we can to avoid stuff that’s uncomfortable.

Lani:
And we think, “Oh my God, that’s uncomfortable so I must be saying the wrong thing or it must be wrong,” and my point is the heart is what makes it great, and we’re never going to be perfect at anything and we are going to say the wrong thing sometimes because every human is imperfect and we don’t know everything. I’d never go through a day and go, “Oh, I’m so perfect.” I’m like, “Okay. So you freaking kicked ass and here’s some shit that didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. So let’s take some changes,” and we all feel this way. I don’t think anybody in my network wants to hurt anybody’s feelings. Like, “Oh my God, am I going to hurt somebody’s feelings? I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say the wrong thing,” or I have a lot of women who have teams and they’re like, “Oh my God, I don’t want to lead them astray.” I don’t know exactly the perfect thing to say.

Lani:
Just a specific example, one of my clients, she brought it up in a live, and what I think is so admirable and so beautiful about speaking our truth and not being afraid to say the wrong thing is letting go of the image that we’re not perfect, because we all, me and everybody in my clientele, I was like, “What have we learned?” And we have gone through all the ways that we were part of the problem, all the ways that we didn’t do what we could have done, all the ways that we were ignorant, all the ways that we had guilt and shame and all the ways that we’ve been part of the problem. And when we’re coming from heart center and when I can admit I’ve been ignorant, I haven’t done everything that I could have done. I need to make some changes and I need to take some action. I’m not saying the perfect thing, but that’s not what anybody’s coming to me for, and one of my clients was like, “Dude, my dad is African and Brazilian and I have been so afraid to say the wrong thing.”

Lani:
And my other client was like … she’s half Modi and she’s like, “I’m afraid to say the wrong thing,” and it’s like, dude, I get it. I’m afraid to say the wrong thing and that’s not going to stop me because I know that sharing energy, just like I share this energy with you, I know that that’s going to help and I know how to come into my heart and I know how to be kind and treat people the way that I want to be treated and I know how to take feedback. I know that I’m not going in expecting to be perfect. I’m going in and asking myself that first thing, am I in my head or in my heart? Get in my heart. Am I part of the solution? Am I moving this conversation forward to create positive change? And what goodness is coming out of the situation? Because if I am in my head, and when I am part of the problem, and when there is only pain, as far as tearing somebody down, there’s nothing, no positive changes that come from that situation.

Lani:
That’s how I got myself, at 36 years old, broken, broke, depressed, alone, and suicidal, because I was in my head. I was part of the problem, and instead of asking what goodness is coming out, I said, “Why did they do this to me? And I’m powerless and I can’t do anything to change.” So those are some great questions of how to break through the fear, and just knowing that like, dude, you have to let the perfectionism go. I’m never perfect and I have so many clients reaching out to me and then when they say, “But what if I say the wrong thing and I’m not perfect? And I say, “Why did you come to me?” And they say, “Because you were vulnerable and we could tell that you were saying shit that you’ve lived through and you took responsibility for your problems that you had and then you shared about really vulnerable things that most people would be embarrassed to talk about because people might judge them,” and I’m like, “Yeah, that’s how we do it then.”

Lani:
So if you need more on this and you’re ready to break through that part about what if I say the wrong thing and truly learn how. I actually take you through how I do it in my free workshop. I actually show you how I get out of my head and into my heart, which is step one for how to get over your fear of saying the wrong thing. So all the details are in the description. Click that link. It is free, it is online, and it will help so much. And don’t forget to hit that subscribe button and hit the bell icon, hit the like button, share this with any other woman that you know who has this fear and is paralyzed by this fear and thanks for listening. See you soon.