How to have an amazing relationship (raising your standards) / How to raise your standards and have a great loving relationship with your partner.

Video Transcription

Lani:

Hello. In this video, I’m talking about how to raise your standards in relationships, specifically romantic relationships. But the way we do one thing is the way we do everything. So this is going to help your whole life, girl. And I know because I used to have dog shit standards. I actually escaped an abusive marriage. And now, I’m with my soulmate. We just got engaged, bam. And I know that every woman deserves this. We don’t deserve to fucking suffer and feel like we’re not good enough, and wake up with anxiety and question our relationship and feel like our partner doesn’t have our back. Or even be in the state that I was in, fearing for my life.

Lani:
So before we get started, hit the subscribe button, hit the bell icon, hit the like button. It helps so much. Just already have goosebumps. When one of us rises, we all rise. So women need to hear this because if I would’ve seen somebody that I could relate to, that had like experiences that I had, instead of just thinking everybody on Instagram is perfect, then I wouldn’t have gotten in that situation. So my purpose is to not wait until women almost die in marriages to do something about it. How about we prevent it? It’s like so much more amazing to, instead of me putting out fires, to like make great choices, because we love ourselves instead of having to clean up these horrible messes because we don’t love ourselves.

Lani:
So I’m going to talk about how to raise our standards in relationships. And if you’re new to my channel, I’m Lani and I’ve helped myself first. I was my first client. So I helped myself break the abusive relationship cycles that run really deep in my family on both sides. And I’ve helped thousands of women all over the world, breakthrough their shitty, abusive, or low self esteem relationship standards, and finally raise their standards in relationships. So I’m just going to start with… We bounce back and forth in ego. And so I just want to take like a really great check in right now because what happens, I’ve got so much energy, I already have goosebumps, is I found that I was bouncing back and forth between super controlling and being in the masculine, and then being super desperate and super insecure. And I didn’t know what the feminine… I had had no idea how to access or what it felt like or what that looked like to be in my divine feminine, where Chris, my partner, didn’t fucking save me.

Lani:
I wake up every morning and I do the work on myself. I trust. I connect to my higher power. A man or a woman is never going to fucking save you. So what I used to do was I would like use… I’m like, I have these rules. Like I’m not going to have sex… I used sex as like a weapon and I never felt comfortable or good about it. So I’d be super controlling. I’d get super jealous. I would be running on overdrive on the inside, looking at the Instagram. Oh, did they make out with this girl? Look at their ex girlfriend. And just like comparing and wanting other people to tell me that like I was prettier or better than somebody that my exes cheated on me with or their new girlfriend.

Lani:
So I had this really gnarly controlling, which always comes from not being good enough energy. And that would come out in horrible places and moments when I could have been really soft and vulnerable. I was so deathly afraid of being hurt. I didn’t love myself. I attracted people that didn’t live their selves. And then it was like, we were just being super mean to each other. It was this vicious cycle. And in that state, when I was like really controlling, because like I’m going to control you into loving me and not cheating on me, or I’m going to control you into changing and not abusing me anymore. We can’t change anybody’s mind. And we can’t fucking control anybody into changing. And we can’t like… That’s human nature. I would never today, and this is like crazy because I was not always like this.

Lani:
I would never have a partner who’s not super interested in growth spiritually. Who doesn’t want to be a better person today than they were yesterday. Who doesn’t want to share more love then they shared yesterday. In kindness, compassion, making an impact like donating and being there for people who don’t have a voice. I would never. I don’t want to be a fucking mom to my partner. I have my own journey. I wake up and I have my own conversations with God. I have my own clients. I have my own freaking family. Like I am not going to sit there and try, try is the keyword, and control somebody. It made me feel so out of control. So powerless. Oh, I couldn’t take a deep breath. It was super gnarly. So that’s like the very one side of the spectrum where we’re super masculine, we’re momming them. We’re trying to control them. We’re complaining. We’re resentful. We’re doing everything for them. So miserable.

Lani:
And then, I’d bounce back like very evenly on both sides. So then it was the other side where it was like desperate and begging for love. No fucking self esteem. No self-worth. Begging for love. Like, holy shit. We don’t have to beg for love. I want you to write that in the comments. We don’t beg for love. Love is amazing. Love is freedom. And I want you to put your definition of what love is, because sure as shit, if you’re begging for love every morning, like I used to be, that is like scary. It makes us feel powerless. And we definitely don’t feel like our partner has our back. And again, it’s not this place where they save us. Oh, he has my back. So he saves me.

Lani:
That’s not what I’m saying. Sis, you’re a queen. You’re a fucking rad Amazon warrior wonder woman. You can do this. You don’t need a man to save you or a woman. You fucking got this. Like, if I can do it, anybody can do it. Dear God, I was 36. Like it’s totally possible. I think I used age as an excuse of like why I can’t do this, and my past. And I wasn’t born rich and everybody else’s luckier and all the good ones are taken or blah, blah, blah. So let’s just be clear. Right? I want it in the comments, we don’t beg for love. And then, what is love, because I know that because I have so much confidence and love in myself, I know that I always have my back and I can count on myself to show up. I’m not going to quit. I’m going to be kind. I’m going to try my fucking best. I’m going to do everything I can because that’s what love is. We don’t just love somebody when they act the way we want them to. It’s really easy to tell if when we feel in this energy that like both people are rising together, both people have each other’s backs. It’s not one person’s fucking dragging the other one. And they’re just like fighting them. And it’s not this, oh, I’m going to take my love away because you’re not perfect.

Lani:
So in both senses, when I would jump to the psycho controlling masculine, and then I when I jump to the insecure woman with no self-worth, in both places I didn’t feel safe. And I felt like I knew… I was like, they don’t have my back. And you know what? I didn’t have theirs either. I was threatening to fucking break up with them everyday, talking shit on them behind their back. Oh, I’ll like secretly message people. No, I’m not banging anybody, but I’ll flirt with people while I’m surfing. Like what the fuck? I was doing the same thing. So I was just getting a reflection of what I was.

Lani:
So I’m going to give you the best advice, the greatest thing, the greatest shift that got me literally from the last relationship I was in at 36 years old, was fleeing for my life, to now we’re traveling the world. Like I said, in my last video, we’re in Portugal. We were in Sweden before that. We were in London before that. We’re planning our beautiful next place, tropical to go. And we like work online. We are making an impact. My clients are freaking killing it in every way. So kind, so kind. I just did three posts in a row of women who’ve donated over a thousand dollars in just a few months. Like to people who really need help, to me, that’s the fulfillment.

Lani:
But I didn’t get to this level without raising my standards first. It wasn’t like, oh, okay. So the partner’s going to save you and then you’ll be a successful worldwide feminine icon. And then you’ll make over $80,000 a month. And then your clients will be absolutely killing it and you’ll be getting great results and they’ll be changing the world. I had to do this first. And I’m going to tell you something that nobody wants to hear because nobody wants to hear that we need to do it ourselves. Everybody wants to hear that it’s my ex’s fault. Like sure, obviously not my audience. You’re here because you believe that you can have it all. You’re here because you don’t thrive off negativity and victim energy.

Lani:
And you’re not going to sit there and blame people for where you are and what you have. And there are ways to shift, like productive pain. What I’ve gone through is why I’m so strong. It doesn’t make me broken or disgusting or weak. It makes me a fucking badass. So the truth is you have to start with you, sis. You break up with somebody because they’re abusive and you don’t do the inner work. Guess what happens? The next one gets even worse. You break up with your partner because he’s not saving you and acting the way you want him to act and meditating. And guess what? The next one’s just going to be worse. So the greatest advice I could ever share with you, and it is what changed my life, to raise my standards and relationships and put me in this place where I’m fucking happy.

Lani:
And not only am I happy, I have so much love to share an energy that it’s spilling and flooding outwards at such an incredible rate, was I had to raise my own standards first. And if you’re making excuses, he’s sorry, or she’s trying, and you know deep in your soul that they don’t have your back. And you two are withholding love from each other, at the last breath that you’ve taken… This past months, we have lost one of my clients at 37 years old in a car accident. So we would love to all think that we’re going to make it until grandma on her deathbed with a fulfilled life and have done everything we wanted. But I’m almost 40. And I have clients who are 55. We don’t have all the fucking time in the world.

Lani:
This minute right now… I mean, this moment is all we have. So if you’re settling in this relationship, we don’t have to blame. We don’t have to get angry. We don’t have to scream. We just take responsibility for what we’re accepting, because there are standards. No one can jump in our soul and force us to drop our standards. That’s called low self esteem, no self worth, and no self love. So if you want a mind blowing, epic relationship like I have, and like so many women who I’ve coached have. My partner’s watch alarm goes off every fucking day. And I’ve said, “Can you turn the watch off?” It’s still going on. So we’ll just let that beep out. But if you know that you can have this relationship, like if you know that you wake up in the morning and you’re settling and you’re questioning it because you’re making excuses because you don’t want to be alone because you don’t want to do the inner work because it’s going to be uncomfortable to sit in that place of I don’t fucking love myself. I have to raise my standards. That’s some serious regret.

Lani:
But if you’re in that place, again, it’s not guilt. It’s not anger. It’s like, dude, we just lift our standards. It’s like taking a breath. We just lift our standards. There is a process. It’s not something that I just did. There’s not a magic pill. So if you’re looking for a magic pill, I’m not a good option. But if you want to learn how, it’s like a muscle, right? If you want to learn to handstand, you’re not going to call someone up and say, “Hey, can I have the magic pill hand stand? I don’t feel like getting off my ass today. I want to be lazy.” Not going to work. But if you call someone up and say, “I’m ready to put in the work. I know I can do it. I’m excited. I’m coming with a positive attitude,” I’m your girl.

Lani:
So I’m going to put the link in the description to my free online workshop. It’s free. So there’s that. It’s online. So you can be anywhere in the world. And I’m actually going to walk you through on a super deep level and take you through my five top ways that I have learned to raise my standards because it wasn’t my mom’s job. But specifically, we’re talking about partners. It wasn’t my partner’s job. It wasn’t anybody else in the past’s job to make me raise my standards and love myself. That’s the gift of empowerment. That’s a gift of being a queen. And because the way we do one thing is the way we do everything, now I get to do this everywhere with my friends, my family, my clients, my business. And this is why I feel so successful and happy and fulfilled. Not because someone came to save me.

Lani:
Thank you for listening. Don’t forget to subscribe. Hit the bell icon. Hit the like button. I’m giving you videos every week that are going to totally help. Don’t forget to comment below. I want to know like what your definition of love is and make sure we’re very clear that we don’t have to beg for love. What the fuck? We know when somebody has our back. Have an amazing week. See you soon.